There are various discussions on this topic, some insisting that it is a sin, some that say it isn’t. For those that hold scripture to be the authoritative work addressing “believers”, some answers can be found in it. Are the words “sin” or “disobedience” ever used in conjunction with a believer marrying an unbeliever? I could not find any such passages however much I combed through scripture and wrung it out. The action of a Christian marrying a non-Christian in itself, as far as I could detect, is not a sin, nor is it disobedient. Jesus stressed that sin is based on what is in the heart. So then the question of sin would depend on a Christian’s motives for marrying an unbeliever, not on the action of marriage itself.
Definitions
The definitions of "Christian" or “believer” and "non-Christian" or “unbeliever”, used in this text should be established to bring clarity, since differing definitions exist.
A Christian is one that has believed the gospel of Jesus Christ and confessed that belief (for an example see this presentation), and in so doing has received the Holy Spirit of God at that time of spiritual rebirth (John 3:1-21).
A non-Christian, is someone that, even despite church membership or baptism, does not believe the gospel nor has he given a truthful confession of it. He does not have the Holy Spirit inside him.
A definition of “sin” in the context of this discussion is also necessary because of the rainbow of Christian definitions for the word.
Sin: disobedience to God in thought, word or deed (the frame of reference here is again, scripture). The definition can be extended to consider that when one does wrong toward others, it can be considered disobedience to God, who has given commands on how people should treat each other.
Furthermore Sin is based on men’s thoughts, attitudes and motives, signified in scripture as what is “in their hearts”. These thoughts and motives can be followed up by speech and/or actions, but the sinful intention already takes place in the heart.
God takes people’s intentions seriously, even if their actions may seem to show the opposite.
So sin is based far more on our intentions than our actions, our intentions can already be sinful, even before we act on them.
It must be explained here, that sinning against others and sinning against God do not have to be contained in one and the same thought or action. For example: Which of us has not thought of harming someone and prevented ourselves from carrying it out? We didn’t sin against that person, but maybe came close to it. We either did not open our mouths to insult the other, or did not physically harm them. There would be no need to apologize to them, since they were not offended or harmed in any way. We would not have to ask them for forgiveness, and they would not have to give it. But we would still have to ask God for forgiveness, because we have offended him, having already sinned in our hearts against him (Matthew 5:27,28).
Some misuse this concept as an excuse to continually look for sins in their motives, though being conscious of one’s motives while involved in an action can avoid problems. A continual self-analysis would be humanly impossible and could even lead to a kind of legalism which can even “freeze” people psychologically speaking. Some fear to even move or think for fear of sinning against God. They have few truly peaceful or joyous moments, because they are constantly examining themselves for unintentional or even past sins. That approach would be unhealthy both spiritually and psychologically. And though it would not be hypocritical as the actions of the Pharisees were, it would have the same result in a person’s thoughts and actions, a mental and spiritual straight-jacket rather than freedom. Paul’s treatise on Pharisaical thought in Colossians is revealing.
This is coming from a man that encouraged celibacy, though at the same time he knew that most could not live up to such a standard. He never made it a rule and indeed did not have the authority to do so though he was an apostle. How much more we should listen when he speaks of not imposing impossible ways of life on ourselves and others. Creating a cage whether of rules or of fear of sin would be negating the peace and freedom that belief and rest in Christ is supposed to bring. Cages can even be constructed out of scripture verses, if they are taken out of context and used as tools of manipulation or weapons to hurt rather than edify someone.
What can happen when a believer marries an unbeliever?
The study of scripture can change a Christian deeply, affecting that person's opinions and outlook on just about every theme that can be imagined. Furthermore, the particular Christian sub-culture (church body, denomination, movement) that a Christian frequents may have a substantial influence on his way of life. There may be differences of opinion and differences in the way each partner deals with problems, differences in one’s worldview, outlook on politics, child-raising, every subject that the bible deals with directly and many that are not mentioned. Ethical problems can arise. Human psychology comes into play, as in any kind of relationship. Some non-Christians can be jealous if they see that their Christian spouse is very close to other Christians, that the Christians have something that the non-Christian spouse does not. Above and beyond the influence of the Holy Spirit which non-Christians cannot understand, some Christians hold extreme doctrines that convince non-believing spouses that they are ripe for the psychiatric ward. Put differently, one could say that if a non-Christian marries such a Christian, the Christian's beliefs could have a negative influence on their partner's openness to the gospel. If Christian partners are spiritually abused, their non-Christian partners may not understand their predicament nor be able to help, they can even make the situation worse by (a common reaction) blaming the abuse on the Christian partner, saying, “I told you so.” Lack of a common frame of reference can be a hindrance to any relationship. Paul addresses this especially in verse 15 of 1 Corinthians 7. Apparently such problems were already evident in the early church.
Here Paul apparently addresses a couple, one person of which has converted to Christianity. If the Christian conforms his mind to that of Christ (Romans 12:2), this can lead to conflict if the other partner doesn’t agree and is not willing to be tolerant about their partner’s new worldview. In the case of a Christian knowingly marrying a non-Christian, if the differences seem small at first, they might grow with time as the Christian conforms his mind to Christian ways of thinking. Ideally the Christian is peaceful and patient with the non-Christian partner, and not continually trying to convert the person. I would say that in cases of abuse of any kind, the abused person, even if a Christian, should leave the union if the abuser is unwilling to change or unable to change. Ephesians 6:5-8 is often used to keep wives from leaving abusive husbands, but the passage is referring to slaves, not wives.
We see that the motives for marriage were important. What motives other than love and mutual respect could lead to a marriage?
1. Marriage for sex as opposed to celibacy. Paul preferred that many could be celibate so that they could devote themselves to full-time ministry. He also realized that this would be unrealistic, that he was more of an exception to the rule in this capacity (1 Cor. 7:7). Of course, simply having a need for sex is not enough to marry someone, though it can legitimately be one of the reasons. The countless verses about love in scripture testify that love is also necessary for a marriage to work properly. The love that Jesus has for the Church, his bride, and she for him, is the original example for the love between husband and wife (Ephesians 5). A need for sex can be one reason, but is not justified in itself. A sexual partner can be seen as an object to be used, and not a person to be respected and loved, the world has proven that often enough through the sex industries of pornography and prostitution. Cohabitation out of wedlock is a sin (Deut. 22:13-30; 1 Cor. 6:9,10; Lev. 18:6-20; Lev. 19:20-22; 1 Thess. 4:3-6; Gal. 5:19,20). A sexual union that is not composed of one man and one woman is also a sin (1 Cor. 6:9,10; Lev. 18:22,23; Gal. 5:19,20) and no legitimate reason for marriage at all, since a marriage would only extend the amount of sinful acts.
2. Children. Wanting children may also be an acceptable motive if it is not selfish, not the only motive. To explain, wanting children for selfish reasons, as an extension of oneself and one’s accomplishments, as trophies, would be a sin. That would be treating them as objects rather than persons. Scripture tells us that if we hold to God and instruct our children about him and discipline them well, that they also will be his (Deut. 11:18-21; Deut. 6:4-7; Deut. 4:39,40; Exodus 19:5,6; Malachi 3:16-18; Prov. 6:20-23; Prov. 13:24; Prov. 19:18).
3. Loving one's spouse is important, but some Christians love their spouses more than they do Jesus Christ. Some religions demand that women from other religions convert to the husband's faith. Some Christian women marry non-Christian men out of love, and do so knowing that they are expected to convert to the husband's religion. This would be purposeful rejection of Jesus Christ and God his Father, since he said that:
4. Some do not really marry another person, but marry instead a projection of their own desires that they have anchored in that other person, like a fictive prince or princess. One person is marrying the other, but is really in love with an idealistic projection of what he thinks the other person should be like. They do not really see or hear that real person, but see what they expect projected through that other person. Patricia Evans calls this, “The Teddy Illusion”. She relates a story about someone’s relationship with their teddy bear. The relationship is of course very one-sided. The teddy bear is always there, always says hello and goodbye, never disagrees, always compliments. It “thinks” what the owner wants it to think and “does” what the owner wants it to do. The teddy is a self-projection of the owner. The author relates the problem that some unknowingly transfer the idea of the ideal teddy to another person and develop the idea throughout childhood and even adulthood. For a man the teddy may become a beautiful woman, and for a woman the teddy may be a “strong” man to lean on. Once the marriage is complete and circumstances make sure that the teddy cannot leave the relationship easily, then the “Pretender” shows their real face and lack of love and respect for the real person they married, often triggered by a sudden change of circumstances, disregarding them in favor of the imaginary person they projected into them. 1. That is, of course, no good reason for a marriage or any other kind of relationship, and leads to abuse, but it happens all too often.
Despite the fact that marriages don’t always happen for the right reasons, and/or are preceded by pre-marital sex, God will sanctify a marriage, giving it his blessing, if the persons at fault genuinely ask his forgiveness.
One prominent man that had false motives was David, who coveted and slept with Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba. David then had Bathsheba’s husband put where the fighting was fiercest at a city the Israelites were besieging and arranged it with the general so that Uriah would be killed by the enemy. After Uriah was conveniently out of the way, David married Bathsheba. God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David with what he had done. He repented immediately. He did have to suffer punishment for his actions which lingered on (punishment by God and not by man), but the marriage itself was sanctified. See 2 Samuel 11,12. God’s favor extended to the child conceived and born after David’s repentance. Although David and Bathsheba named him Solomon (he became King Solomon), God named him Jedidiah, which means loved by the LORD.
Does the passage 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 that tells believers not to be yoked to unbelievers apply to marriage?
That would depend on the context of the passage. When I examined this particular passage, the workup took up so much space that I decided to make another article out of it.
See article, Do Not Be Yoked With Unbelievers? Which Unbelievers?.
In the article I conclude that the passage was not referring to marriage, the intent of the passage was to encourage the Corinthians not to listen to false teachers that were putting themselves up as leaders to manipulate and live off of the Corinthian Christians, much as some do today. The only way it would apply to marriage would be if a Christian would marry such a false teacher. Even then the act itself is not a sin, but the attitude of approval and belief in false teaching by way of union with the false teacher would be a sin against God, purposefully turning away from him and his commands.
So is a Christian’s marriage with a non-Christian a sin?
There is no passage in scripture that mentions the marriage of a Christian to a non-Christian as a sin. Neither is there an explicit passage defining it as disobedience. It could only be a sin if the marriage has taken place for false reasons. Such a marriage could be at worst a mistake, but that is not limited to a Christian’s marriage with a non-Christian. Marriages where both partners are non-Christians or both are Christians can be a mistake too. If one Christian marries another, this is not automatically a guarantee for happiness and harmony.
A Tragic Christian Marriage
I know of one case where a Christian man married his dream of a Christian woman, educated, intelligent, pleasant, devout. Unfortunately it is likely that he suffers under “The Teddy Illusion” as described above. The church they attend supports the subordinance of women. A wife that would be seen as behaving normally in other Christian circles is seen as rebelling against her husband in that circle. Some emphasize this subordination by making it a rule for women to have long hair and wear dresses and skirts rather than pants. In this particular case, the husband controls his wife’s money, personal contacts, and her internet access; he verbally abuses her if she does not conform to all of his wishes. She went to an internet forum for the spiritually abused seeking help and support. She was seeing a biblical counselor that was approved by the church with her husband. Her husband monitored her email. When he found out which forum she went to, he confronted her with it and accused her of gossiping, which she was not. He took copies of her messages at the forum and showed them to the biblical counselor as proof of her rebellion. At the beginning the counselor seemed neutral, but eventually took the husband’s side. The biblical counselor did not recognize or admonish the husband’s behavior as controlling. He supported the husband in admonishing the wife. Despite her strong feelings of desperation and depression and inner conviction that what was happening to her was completely wrong, she was told to conform. The church culture and rules were more important than the wife’s well-being. That is a characteristic that belongs more to a cult than a church, according to Lifton’s Eight Criteria for Thought Reform. All of the blame for the man’s aggressive behavior was laid on his wife. That is typical of those that have “The Teddy Illusion”. They never are to blame. When she tried to speak the truth about his behavior to her, she was told that people marry those like themselves (an erroneous belief that the counselor held), and that if she blamed her husband for something she was really blaming herself. The woman’s access to the internet was capped by her husband, cutting her off from a supportive group. The woman was very isolated and depressed. I can only hope that she found some other way to get support in her situation. That oppressive and abusive situation exists in a Christian marriage in a Christian church under the eyes of a Christian biblical counselor. All three points failed to produce, guarantee or support a loving relationship of mutual respect and nurturing. If only one partner is expected to serve, then that is not a marriage, but a relationship between owner and slave. Jesus set his followers the example of a God that became a servant, the prime example of the greatest becoming the least. He stressed that the greatest among us must genuinely and humbly serve others. The Holy Spirit enables Christians to do that. But people in the "Teddy Illusion" whether Christian or not, cannot serve anyone except themselves.
We could ask, “What is wrong with this picture?” Isn’t it upside-down or backwards? Patricia Evans writes that persons suffering from “The Teddy Illusion” see relationships and themselves in a backward way, from the outside in and not the inside out. They are afraid of looking at their hearts and thus looking beyond their make-believe relationships and self-serving actions. Appearances may play a great role, especially outside the environment where the "controller" and their teddy or teddys are alone. “The Control Connection reflects a way of being in the world – a backwards (outside-in) way of orienting toward one or more people that is so ineffectual and dangerous that it catapults us toward a world that is becoming ever more violent.” 2. This violence, this abuse, is not isolated to non-Christian marriages or Christian/non-Christian unions. The sub-culture that surrounds two Christians in holy wedlock can even intensify the effects of an unhealthy relationship, especially if the wife is seen as subordinate according to church rules, and if that sub-culture encourages sweeping incidents under the rug rather than administering true justice.
I have come to the conclusion that a Christian’s marriage with a non-Christian is not a sin. The only sin one can commit by the act of marriage is one of motive, and such sins can be repented of so that the marriage is sanctified. The way the marriage partners treat each other, with love, respect and mercy or a lack of all of these things is much more important than whether one partner is not a Christian. Unfortunately, being able to judge whether a relationship could become oppressive or even dangerous is too often knowledge gained after the fact. So many of us are trained to ignore our feelings and intuition and thus ignore the warning signs of people overstepping our psychic boundaries, the line that distinguishes between us and them. We sometimes unknowingly accept the projections of another’s personality over or into our own. We passively accept subtle or even overt manipulation if we do not know how to identify it. “Many times I have heard people reflect upon a poor relationship, saying, ‘If only I’d seen those little signals and recognized them for what they were – a glimpse of the controlling personality.” 3.
Discernment is necessary in any relationship to avoid the dreamy castle turning into a dreary dungeon. Scripture gives many tips concerning personality types to watch out for, simpletons, fools and evil persons, modern psychology also provides excellent examples of destructive and manipulative personality types to avoid considering for deeper relationships and how to detect such persons. For Christians it may be more advisable to consider other Christians when looking for a marriage partner since this could help avoid problems based on having too different frames of reference; much more important though, would be consideration of the other person’s character. The Christian label may be just a mask hiding an impostor.
Notes:
1. Patricia Evans, Controlling People, Adams Media – an F + W Publications Company, Avon Massachusetts, 2002. The information was summarized from pp. 90-99.
2. Ibid p. 129.
3. Ibid p. 74.
Some recommended reading:
Scripture, of course. Proverbs is a good source of information about wise and foolish behavior and in the gospels Jesus had much to say about the intentions of the heart, revealing falseness whenever he was confronted with it.
Inform yourself about different kinds of personalities and abuse wherever you can get the information. Christians should not avoid the subject of spiritual abuse since it can crop up in any church or situation where other Christians are present (not to mention sects).
These books and more are described on the Spiritual Abuse Page.
All websites, even though publicly available are not public domain. This according to The Digital Millenium Copyright Act of 1998.
Go to http://www.loc.gov/copyright/legislation/dmca.pdf for a summary or to http://www.loc.gov/copyright/legislation/hr2281.pdf for a full version.
You may print, copy or reference this document for your own use but the name of the author, Carmen Brill, must be included and the copies or references must include a reference to this website, http://jamesfive19.com. You may not distribute this document in your name and you may not distribute it for profit.