“Shame on you!” A sentence like that is short, but sharp enough to embarrass and hurt another. If used by someone that is perceived to be in authority toward someone that is seen as subordinate, it can carry enough clout to break a person or severely impair them. Although guilt and shame are generally seen to be synonyms, there is a fundamental difference in their meaning and effect on the psyche and soul.
Looking at dictionary definitions can give some insight in to the differing meanings of these two words. Shame is more associated with feelings associated with wrongdoing (real or imagined) and guilt, although this can describe a feeling as well, it also applies to a legal use of the word to describe fault and is more associated with responsibility.
Shame: “distressed feeling, loss of self-respect…; hang one’s head for shame” 1.
Guilt: “condition of having done wrong; responsibility for wrong-doing.” 2.
In abusive situations, people can use the word, “guilty” to describe a person, but in reality they are trying to shame the person into doing what they want. “Shame on you!” is a tactic used to shame people into a certain pattern of behavior such as submission or forced obedience.
One author on spiritual abuse states: "Shame, the flip side of self-righteousness, is also a result of performance-based mentality (rather than grace)....where the constant message is that you don't measure up....Guilt is a valuable signal indicating a wrong or bad behavior. Shame is an indictment on you as a person....the message of condemnation is not limited to our actions or appearance. It is directed toward and lands on us: 'You are the problem.' 'You are in the way.' ....'You are stupid, fat, ugly, incompetent, lazy, worthless, selfish.' 'Shame on you!' This attacks the very core of our identity." 3.
In healthy situations guilt can be an aid to good behavior, but the flavor of shame is far different than guilt. This guideline may help the individual to discern whether he is experiencing shame or guilt.
Shame weighs us down and makes us depressed. It accuses us, but doesn't do anything productive. It points the finger at us and screams at the top of its lungs, "You are Guilty! Shame on you!" It associates guilt with our person. It might make us want to confess wildly and blurt things out. It is impatient. It is trying to influence us in a negative way and weaken us. A Christian might see it as an evil influence.
Guilt is persistent, but not in a loud way. It nudges us again and again. It may be annoying, because it conflicts with motives we know are wrong. It may ask, "What have you done?" It associates guilt with our actions, not ourselves. It doesn't accuse but reveals the truth about our inner self. It urges us to improve our behavior. It is patient. It is always productive. For Christians this would be the wholesome influence of the Holy Spirit.
For the Christian, evil does has a personification, the devil, also known as Satan. God always judges justly, but the devil cannot do this, so he accuses and threatens. The very name, “devil” comes from the Greek word, “diabolos”, which means accuser, or slanderer. 4. Every passage that uses the word, “devil”, is actually stating part of his nature, he is an accuser. The Old Testament refers to Satan as an accuser in Zechariah 3 where he tries to accuse Joshua, but God rebukes him for it and removes Joshua’s sin, symbolized as filthy clothing. Like Joshua, believers are also accused this way, but Jesus is there to intercede – that is enough for another study entirely which won’t be addressed here.
The devil also lies, steals, destroys and murders. The Pharisees tried to make Jesus look like he was under demonic influence so that they could discredit him. He replied:
As believing and professing Christians we are not constantly guilty, we are no longer in God’s wrath, he is no longer against us. That is the good news of the gospel, that we are no longer condemned.
There is no need for us to be ashamed. If we have done wrong it is normal to feel guilty, but this guilt is healthy and moves us to reconcile with our Father, confessing our sins honestly to him and repenting. If we need assistance with overcoming the sin that caused the guilt, or if we sinned against a person, we can confess to another person as well as to God, but there are biblical guidelines for that. The bible doesn’t endorse public confession, see my article on public confession. The devil would have us feel ashamed and weak after his accusations. But we can resist him and he will leave us alone. He is not really the dangerous element, though he is the enemy. The danger lies in our own hearts, if we don’t get rid of it through conforming ourselves to Jesus’ way of thought. We decide if we believe the accusations and lies about ourselves or not. We decide whether to do good or evil in any situation. See Matthew 4 concerning Jesus’ temptation in the desert and resistance to that temptation. Jesus resisted temptation and the devil left him.
Just to make things clear, Neither Jesus nor God the Father ever accuse anyone. They judge, which is an entirely different thing. Jesus is actually sitting next to his Father interceding for us. He can do this because he is a priest that is alive and will live forever. That is part of the good news of the gospel, that believing in him, he will protect us from the condemnation that everyone would otherwise suffer if we believe in him.
If we know that accusations (as opposed to true guilt) are meant to destabilize us and weaken us, we can resist their influence. Especially Christians are better equipped to do so, because we have God’s assurance of the state of our innocence. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ, not even a “Shame on you!”. If we know that the one that says those words has no power (no one has power except for God) and that God could not have said it to us since we are no longer in a state of guilt, then such words can no longer have any power over us. We can choose not to feel ashamed. Anyone that says those words to us is certainly not on God’s side when he says it, but has, perhaps temporarily, wandered over to the side of the accuser as Peter did (Matthew 19:13-23). That person, if a Christian, also has the same option of repentance to God and reconciliation.
Those that have been subjected to repeated situations or as little as one intense situation in which they were shamed may not find it so easy to rid themselves of feelings of shame. They hear the accusing voices in their heads like “old tapes” that play back and play back again. A common and effective practice is to replace the old tapes with new and better ones. This is not an approval of positive thinking, though that may help temporarily. The new tapes, phrases that we tell ourselves and re-tell ourselves, must consist of the truth if they are to remain effective.
This method is called Misbelief Therapy. It intends to replace misbeliefs and lies about ourselves or certain situations and replace them with truthful and realistic facts. A Christian has biblical truth at his disposal as well as other truths. He can write the appropriate bible verses and phrases on cards that apply to his situation and read them at regular intervals during the day. For non-Christians this would also work with phrases that show the truth of the situation realistically.
One example would be the situation of a poor and overworked church member. They give and give and no one expresses appreciation or takes notice. This excess of volunteered time and even financial giving may even be expected by the church. This person feels obligated by the Christian phrase, “Love your neighbor as yourself”, but has interpreted it to mean loving others better than oneself. They feel shame or false guilt if they do not give, and are depressed and maybe even angry that others don’t notice. They may be giving in order to receive approval from someone.
There are a number of misbeliefs here, some of which are:
See where this is leading? What are the truths in the situation that could be used to replace the misbeliefs?
The principal thing this person would have to learn, would be to love himself first. He cannot love others as himself if he doesn’t love himself. If someone hates or dislikes himself, yet tries to serve others in the spirit of loving them as himself, he is offering them a very shabby thing. He would actually be hating or disliking them as himself. That would not be the genuine joyful service from the heart that is the expression of the gospel we received. The effective Christian needs a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem that is not based on worldly standards like success, riches, beauty, nor some church standards such as a masters degree in Theology or how many pins one received in sunday-school or how much one has donated, but based on the love that God has for his children. Financially, if he provides himself and those for whom he is immediately responsible with all they need, like spouse, children, aging parents, then he can use what he does not need to help others as he helped himself – not letting them take advantage of his loving bounty. As a Christian he would have to inform himself through scripture about how much God loves him, and what really are God’s commands. Has the person really been taught scriptural truth at church? Has he seen those things for himself in the bible? In context? Knowing whether the misbeliefs came from oneself or from a surrounding environment are important. If a surrounding environment is destructive, it may be necessary to leave it. If he loves himself he will not let himself be manipulated or abused.
To get back to shame: Removal from the shaming environment (abusive home, church, job) can bring relief, possibly with professional counseling and therapy if necessary. Over time a healthy attitude toward guilt can be built up and supported. Sects often use shame to induce certain behaviors from the adherents. Some churches teach believers shame instead of true humility. Humility is positive, acknowledging the greatness of God in comparison to oneself, but no believer need be ashamed of himself or even feel guilty all of the time. If someone thinks he is guilty all of the time, that is not healthy, he is really experiencing shame. The Christian is loved by God and is free from the stain of sin and death and the guilt that brought with it; the accuser can no longer accuse us. That is something to be happy about.
Notes:
1. Definition from Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary of Current English, Oxford 1974.
2. Definition from Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary of Current English, Oxford 1974.
3. David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Recognizing and Escaping Spiritual Manipulation and False Spiritual Authority Within the Church. Minneapolis, Minnesota, Bethany House Publishers 1991. pp. 44,45,197.
4. Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1997.
5. William Backus and Marie Chapian, Telling Yourself the Truth. Bethany House Publishers, 1980. pp. 109-113. No direct quotes were taken from the book for the sake of brevity, the material was summarized and paraphrased.
Bible citations from the New International Version.
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