For your convenience, I'll include the menu from the previous page.
The additions were getting too long and just made the already long original article too lengthy - so I decided to set up another page for them.
The original article is here:
Abuse of Pastoral Authority - A Detailed Case Study
Or go Back to where you left off.
It is now nearly ten months since the above incident and I have had much time for thought and further analysis. I believe that there is something to be learned from every experience no matter how traumatic. "He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13.
I experienced much sorrow because I realized that I had not appreciated the way God had fed and cared for me not only physically but spiritually despite the absence of an appropriate church community nearby. While asking to get to know other like-minded Christians in my prayers I was thinking more of myself than of God. I already had Christian friends, Marco and Maria, who were already God's answer to previous prayers. I should have been satisfied with that. "For this is what the high and lofty One says - he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." Isaiah 57:15. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps 34:18. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51:17. I had to thank Him duly and give Him the glory for what he had done for me especially in the last four years. He showed me what I asked for, a Christian congregation, but contact with them showed me that that particular direction, one of separatism, if followed to its end, was false. It is too callous and unloving, not very Christlike. Also, sorrow is not all bad, it can lead to repentance. I was able to repent for my aggressive words shortly after the incident, even before my friends came to console me. "Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the LORD your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity." Joel 2:13.
The situation could have been handled differently. I could have left the congregation the moment I knew that I would cry. No further contact was necessary. I could have kept the literary blowup (necessary for my sanity at that time) to myself, then the pastor would not have had to respond or get angry (this still does not make his behavior acceptable in my opinion, from either before or after receiving my letter). No matter how little meekness can be detected on the part of the other party, the next time I will keep my feelings to myself and just stay away from that person or place. I will entrust myself to God and stick with it no matter how long it takes. I will only make contact with the person when I am sure that I will not react excessively. At least I now know that there are church communities that practice exclusivity by having closed communion and will inform myself to see that I do not go to such a church to begin with. I could not be a part of such a community knowing that other elect Christians are excluded from it. For me, the Church is made up of the elect, that is those that are saved. It seems to me to be more arrogance than meekness if I would presume to be elect while not accepting another born-again Christian as such simply because he does not go to my church or any church or belong to my denomination. Meekness, also called gentleness, entails acceptance of other elect Christians without any arrogance, aloofness or separatism in my opinion. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11: 28,29.
I also learned that my supposed needs were misplaced. Instead of longing after companionship I should have longed for more righteousness. "O God, you are my God. Earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1. I should have looked for blessings from God and let Him choose the time for me to find a church community to belong to, if that is His will for me. Sometimes he gives us what we want even though it is not always good for us, just to show us that we should ask for what we need instead (See Samuel 8). "Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.'" John 6:35. I will find my hunger and thirst satisfied completely in Christ through prayer and his words. "My soul longs for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world learn righteousness." Isaiah 26:9. "'Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?' Declares the LORD. 'This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.'" Isaiah 66:2. "The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Matthew 5:6.
It is sad, but I think that I should not expect mercy from my brothers any more. I do not expect it from non-Christians, but receive it from them at times nevertheless. I should be content to receive mercy only from God. This does not mean that I should not be merciful, just the opposite. God has had mercy on me, so I must have mercy on others, regardless of the way they treat me. "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" Lamentations 3.22-24. Jesus said, "Be merciful, just as your father is merciful." Luke 6:36.
When faced by temptation, I don't always reach the mark, as I did not this time. The next time I am tempted, I will try harder to pass the test. When Jesus addressed Simon (Peter), saying that Satan wanted to sift him as wheat, he was using a plural. This may not only have applied to the apostles but to all of us. "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Lk 22:31,32. I did not pass this test with flying colors either, but I include this testimony in the hope that it may strengthen someone in a similar situation. In such situations, "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28. The previous verse in the New Testament is the equivalent of Genesis 50:20, where Joseph consoles his brothers, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."
We should thank and praise God in every situation. "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone." Psalm 71:14-16. "I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together." Psalm 34:1-3.
Go Back
Some further thoughts, already posted on an internet forum, think of this as a sort of blog:
The pastors want to hold us accountable to them, but they should not only be accountable to God, but to their denomination if they are in one and to their congregation as well. Ideally, if they are the greatest, then they have made themselves the least - the most humble and serving. They do not and should not have absolute power over the congregation, but the relationship should be based on mutual respect and brotherly love.
One of the main requirements for a pastor that was in the list of verses I included above was humility. If you read what Paul wrote, you see his boldness when he wrote about spiritual things, but apparently he was not the most impressive man in person. His writing also demonstrated humility toward God and respect for others.
Oratory, managerial, and other talents are only secondary to that of humility, and those of the ability to respect and love others. No selfish people allowed, no proud ones, no greedy ones, no narcissists, no one out for profit, no controllers, no manipulators. Only genuinely selfless, humble, loving servants. If these criteria would be observed, we would have much fewer problems. The horrible experience I had with an abusive pastor should never have happened if those that are in charge of selecting them - including the congregations they serve - would insist on a biblical basis for that service. I think that the worst ones should already be recognized at and thrown out of seminary, that character should be emphasized there more than knowledge. The fruit of the Spirit would be seen in a person's character, and that through his words and actions.
Also, the concept of pastor as a professional job might have to be rethought. Young men are...young. They still have a lot to learn. It may be better for them to learn something else first, and become pastors at a later age, when time and experience have proven their character - not necessarily their oratory or business skills. No one in the early church had "trained" to be pastor, except perhaps for Paul - who was a Pharisee. But he had to rethink everything he was taught in the new light of the gospel.Jesus did teach the twelve, not just knowledge, but also very much about character. A rethinking of the "profession" of pastor today and what their qualities should be may be something the Christian world should address for its own benefit.
Go Back
About a month ago something else happened that deepens my spiritual proof that God has not left me, has not forsaken me. Indeed, I take it as proof that I am on the right road no matter what that pastor or anyone else may think of the state of my soul. As I was crossing the street one day it hit me out of the blue, God showed me that He is the source of my joy. Not only that, that He IS my joy. Nothing that anyone can say or do to me should influence my joy at all, because He is my joy. I have known this for a long time in my head, but it hadn't gotten into my heart yet until that day. To be even more precise, God is not my joy because he has given himself to me, through the death of his Son. He did not just call me to himself, but he gave himself to me. That alone is reason enough to be very joyful. Since He has done immeasurable things for me even since then, this is even more cause to rejoice.
Ever since then when I feel depression, sadness, anger coming on, I usually think back to that moment of personal revelation and remember what God taught me in that second. I don't always manage to do this, but such habits need to be formed, it will take a bit of practice. I never fully understood what Paul was writing when he wrote that he found joy in suffering. It was not the suffering itself that gave him joy, but that the suffering did not influence his feelings. God was his joy so that he had joy even in prison. God's love could never leave Paul, He would always be his joy no matter wherever Paul went.
"If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:10,11.
Psalm 116:5-7, "The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion: The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."
Psalms 117 and 118 also come to mind, especially 118 verses 13 and 14, "I was pushed back and about to fall, but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."
Go Back
When God reveals something to us, it is usually to prepare us for something. I think that in my case, he showed me what joy in him is, because there will be reason for sadness, anger or depression, or all of those things.
There are some new developments. My friends, "Marco" and "Maria", that helped me after I was spiritually abused, have left their deceptive church at ......... and have started going to the ....... church at ........ where I was spiritually abused. They seem to be genuinely concerned for my spiritual well-being, but the circumstances and certain nuances in our conversation make me concerned for them as well. I will be including excerpts from a letter I sent to my parents about the matter. It is about a conversation that I had with Marco and Maria. They had been invited to dinner at my place on April 1st, 2006, and Marco showed strong signs of being more concerned with doctrine than with inter-personal relationships. As long as we have known each other he has been perhaps overly concerned about doctrine, but I had never seen him so obsessed with it to the exclusion of all else. Doctrine over Person is one of Lifton's eight criteria. ICSA - Dr. Robert J. Lifton's Criteria for Thought Reform.
Here is Lifton's criterium, Doctrine over Person, from the above site (I highly recommend reading the rest of them at ICSA, other criteria do apply):
"DOCTRINE OVER PERSON
I had a further conversation with them the following Monday after our dinner together, and after they had been to the church again and had a another conversation with the pastor. That conversation was even more revealing and caused me to worry about my friend's well-being even more. I was more candid with them about what I suspect is going on at that church - until then I had not told them everything that is listed in the above article, because I had been unable to translate the article or even just the letters into Italian.
Excerpts from the letter to my parents sent April 4th, 2006, some personal details omitted and names changed:
...Apparently they were supposed to tell me that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. Of course it got over to doctrine. Funny thing was that someone from the church kept calling up (at Marco's and Maria's home) and Marco filled him in on the conversation as we were going along. That isn't normal. All I'd have said is that I have guests and can't the other call back later. But he mentioned me as "sister Carmen" and actually told the other, it was clear he was from the church, what we were discussing in detail. We might as well have invited the others over to join in too, hmmm?
Husband's assessment of Marco was correct, I think he is so concentrated on doctrine that it blinds him to other aspects of Christian life. .....Husband has a good nose for people, it is better than mine, and his is telling him not to trust Marco........They said that my letter was read in front of the church shortly after I sent it - it must have been translated first, and that the first letter sent to me was agreed upon by all members. The other letters where I apologized and where the worst things were said to me were not mentioned. I asked Marco if he knew about those letters, if they were read in front of the church too, and he did not. For goodness sakes, he wanted to call and ask as we were sitting there, and I told him to let it go. It is like he has to have a hotline to the leaders there. Aren't we supposed to have our eyes on God rather than man?
He even asked me how I defined born-again. Luckily I gave the "proper" definition - including the predestination stuff. ......I know how I was born-again and that it was the Holy Spirit that initiated the faith. Anyway, it was like he was testing whether I am a Christian. Doesn't he know me long enough? Even if I gave the "old" answer that I might have ten years ago, that I "accepted Christ as my Savior", that would not have changed the fact that I am born-again. He was looking for the proper definition as proof - which is not the correct way to go about it - that is legalism. He said that "everybody else" that is not believing in the "right doctrine" is not living a life to the glory of God. To be sure, before I accepted the concepts of sovereignty and predestination, I did not grow as fast as I have since. They have paved the way for other concepts that are hidden without them. But the Holy Spirit also reveals things to us, one at a time as we can take them. I told Marco that we can't just tell other Christians that they are wrong, but that they must see the evidence of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives. They must see our happiness, not legalism; and legalism doesn't make anyone happy. On my site I don't question people's souls, but the doctrine they believe in. People are not doctrine. If there is one thing that I have learned from the spiritual abuse that happened to me, it is learning how to be less legalistic and more compassionate and merciful. Marco pointed to the immorality in his former congregation and the general chaos. I told him that he cannot confuse (name of movement)ism with (members of the movement). At least some of them are probably Christians, we cannot judge their souls. I never judged him like that. I told him that he must know that Christians are at different stages of maturity, that those younger than oneself are not inferior, but just younger. He said that they are not living up to their full potential of giving glory to God because they are Arminian, and that they MUST live up to that potential, as quickly as possible by learning about sovereignty. But "Arminian" is not a four-letter word, as he suddenly seems to think. He was Arminian within 20 months ago from today, I remember explaining sovereignty and predestination to him, and that he thought the concepts were odd. Now he is a 150% Calvinist and Arminian Christians are nobodies? He hasn't understood yet, is still missing the point entirely.
Marco said that what happened to me was a sort of correction. But the correction as explained by Paul - is toward someone within a congregation, and it is not to be carried out too long, to avoid too much sorrow. If it was correction, then no one bothered to console me afterward except Marco and Maria, who were not part of the congregation at that time. They knew what bad shape I was in, and had gotten another brother to help me that was rejected from his former church. He not only helped me with his testimony, but was also very knowledgeable with scripture. I asked them where that pastor was when I needed help. He never bothered to inquire about my situation and kept sending nasty letters when he found out I had told Marco and Maria about the matter - I needed help from somebody. Marco defended him saying that the pastor told him that I had tried to meddle with "his" church - no I didn't, but did not agree with the way I was treated. To make sure I couldn't be accused of meddling I stayed away from there. I didn't say anything negative to any congregation member. The few times I saw the woman that lives across the street from me that goes to that church, to return material, I said nothing about the matter and kept to other subjects - on purpose. The only place that I did vent my anger and humiliation was in that letter to the pastor.
To put it more graphically, I compared the situation to that of a person or animal that needed help. I said I would even help a dog I found hurt on the street. I would be even more prepared to help a person. Even if that person had stolen a lot of money from me, and would lay on the street with a broken leg, I wouldn't hesitate to take him to the hospital. No, what that pastor did to me, and afterwards did not do to help me was and is horrendous. I seriously doubt that Paul would have approved of it, nor Jesus either. Of course I forgave the pastor long ago, but I could not go back to attend that church while he is still pastor there, because good sense tells me not to. I would be putting myself into a psychologically and maybe spiritually dangerous situation. Marco used the argument that what happened was for my good. What happened to me may have been for my good, but that doesn't mean that the situation was Godly. ...............that is no proof that I should go back there, as little as one should return to a concentration camp of one's own free will once one has been freed from it. The situation itself was not edifying in the least. My decision not to go back has turned into determination after this discussion. I honestly told Marco, that if that church is not a cult, then it is my opinion that it is very close to it. I believe that the pastor has too much control over the others, which may have tipped the balance. The few differences of doctrine that I still have which may have blocked the way pale in comparison to that. When the balance is tipped the doctrine is not a rope to freedom, but a hangman's noose, just as it was for the Pharisees and those that looked up to them for guidance. Marco still doesn't get why I might think that. Sure, I'll meet with the pastor if he writes or calls up and asks to meet with me. But showing forgiveness in person doesn't mean that I have to attend there. Forgiveness is not a precursor of stupidity.
The final argument was from something Marco said was written by Calvin. He told me to read the "fourth book" whatever that might be, I'll get it off the net somewhere. He said that there Calvin used scripture to prove that a Christian MUST be a member of the local visible body of Christ or he risks losing salvation - isn't really Christian. That doesn't sound biblical to me, if it is indeed what Calvin was trying to convey in that work. How does the concept of predestination apply to that? It would be a non-sequitur - and that is one of the areas where opposites do not meet, though they do with other biblical concepts. I did a study on that very subject because we discussed it not too long before I went to that church at ................. My findings were very different, and also based on scripture. No, I'm not Calvin, but he isn't Jesus Christ either. I'm waiting to see how Marco is going to sea in a sieve, taking his family along with him. I was more legalistic before, hopefully not as he is now, but it may have been that bad; maybe he has to make the same mistake I did or another one to grow and understand.
First verse refrain and third verse of Edward Lear's song:
They went to sea in a Sieve, they did,
In a Sieve they went to sea:
In spite of all their friends could say,
On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,
In a Sieve they went to sea!
And when the Sieve turned round and round,
And everyone cried, "You'll all be drowned!"
They cried aloud, "Our Sieve ain't big,
But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig!
In a Sieve we'll go to sea!"
Far and few, far and few,
Are the lands where the Jumblies live;
Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,
And they went to sea in a Sieve.
The water it soon came in, it did,
The water it soon came in;
So to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet
In a pinky paper all folded neat,
And they fastened it down with a pin.
And they passed the night in a crockery-jar,
And each of them said, "How wise we are!
Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long,
Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong,
While round in our Sieve we spin!"
The Jumblies come back 20 years later after many adventures. Luckily they were not abused, but there is no guarantee for Marco and his family. I'll be here for them though when they get back, as long as God wills it. I still count them as my friends, but Marco can't keep his mouth shut. From reading the testimonies of others that were too eager to serve in a church and were doctrinally legalistic, I would say that he will first be used by the pastor as a doctrinal megaphone to control and abuse others, and then be spiritually abused himself. How long he lives with it will be up to him. Husband agrees even though he has not read such testimonies and his assessments of such situations are usually right. At least they won't be able to say I hadn't warned them. I guess that my honesty to them will probably backfire, leading to me being shunned (even more) or something by them and/or that congregation. Not signing up will be proof that I am "damned". Ok, that is a worst-case scenario, but it seems plausible and even probable from the last conversation. I am getting prepared for it in prayer and any other way possible. After some prayer I don't feel so sad about it, but relieved. A year and a half ago such a prospect was terrifying, but now it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm free!
This song from Pinnochio comes to mind:
I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me......
I've got no strings
So I have fun
I'm not tied up to anyone
They've got strings
But you can see
There are no strings on me
I sincerely thank God that Jesus is The Good Shepherd and not a puppeteer.
Love,
Carmen"
End of letter.
Not much explanation is necessary, my opinions about the situation are already contained in the letter. Being familiar with what I wrote in the article one-and-one-half years ago, one can see that my original suspicions have more evidence behind them. As Marco called his acquaintance to ask what happened to me shortly after the spiritual abuse, the acquaintance had to hang up to call the pastor first, a sign that he was controlled. The pastor then quickly sent me letter 4 which was likely not presented to the assembled congregation before it was sent, it was received at roughly 10:00 AM Thursday morning; Marco had enquired Wednesday afternoon what had happened to me. The full assembly did not meet again until the Sunday morning after all that, so that the letter could not have been presented to them for approval.
The letter was meant to keep me from telling others what happened to me, and I did tell Marco and Maria on Thursday afternoon after receiving it, to keep the matter to themselves. That second letter contains the pastor's true feelings and motives, undisguized by the civility that had to be present in the first letter he sent, since the congregation was informed of the first letter, numbered "2" in the article above. Letter 4 was much more scathing, accusing me of transgression, sin, corruption, wishing shame on me - that letter, instead of edifying me, sent me in a spiral downwards that I could not have gotten out of alone. Marco, Maria, and the brother they brought with them had to step in and help me, because the pastor either was unable to recognize the pain I was in or unwilling to help me with it.
Now Marco is showing signs of the same kind of behavior as the acquaintance he called to inquire about me. The Germans have a word for this, "hörig". It means enslaved, in bondage, to be in someone's thrall. The word is related to "hören" which means to listen and "gehorchen" which means to obey. "Hörig" denotes a kind of obedience that is not normal, but in association with an abusive relationship where one party has power over the other. That Marco could be so easily convinced (or convinced at all) that such a relationship is good for him and his family saddens me. I had tried to teach him discernment, but was apparently not successful. If that church is the only bible-believing church in the area, as is supposed by Marco, then it is also the most unmerciful and unloving church in the area. That certainly does not make a good impression on God's name, nor on the name of the denomination to which the church belongs.
The pastor still has not expressed any sense of wrongdoing in the matter to me or Marco or Maria, even though they must have explained their version of the events of one-and-one-half years ago to him by now. They said that they had spoken about the matter to the pastor, but did not inform me of the details of that conversation. On the contrary, no sense of remorse on his part has been expressed through my conversations with Marco and Maria, and he has not contacted me directly using any means of communication even as I finish writing this addition (10th April, 2006). For me that is only one more indicator of an aspect of his character, which I do not find congruent with the position of Pastor. I have other suspicions about the reasons for the pastor's behavior, but it wouldn't be proper to write them here. I would suggest that someone anonymously be sent to check the congregation.
I have spoken to a few Calvinists, and they do not agree with Marco's interpretation of Calvin's fourth book, Institutes of the Christian Religion, that one must be part of the local, visible body of Christ to be counted as Christian. This must be a more strict form of Calvinism than is usually accepted and may be based on a misinterpretation of Calvin's work. Making his words as important as or more important than scripture, on which they are based, would not be good practice and could lead to false doctrine and a cult-like or even cultic environment.
Marco's doctrinal bent will make him more susceptible in that place. He has already swallowed what they are offering, hook, line and sinker and even though I cautioned him to keep his eyes open, they are already closed tightly. He is so convinced of the rightness of the interpretation of doctrine already that he won't question it, nor more importantly, how the pastor deploys it. I wish there was something I could do, but think that there is no way to convince my friends to at least be cautious.
It is sad that my experience with and knowledge gained of spiritual abuse cannot help them even though they saw the effects of such abuse on myself with their own eyes. And Marco's willingness to tell all to the leaders of that church means that I cannot trust him, cannot trust a brother in Christ. Furthermore the denomination encourages the obedience of the wife to the husband (in itself not unbiblical if the concept is not misused), so that I know that if I cannot trust him, that I cannot trust his wife either, who will tell him all that I tell her. This is one example of what I mention above, that even good doctrine can become a noose if misused, not leading to freedom, but more oppression. As much as I like Maria, I cannot be fully open with her anymore either, if they decide to continue attending that church. I would prefer to be fully open with them, able to talk about anything that is in my heart, but if I know that all that I say will be reported to the pastor or deacon (Marco's friend who WILL tell the pastor as he did one-and-one-half years ago), then this actually pulls the rug from under our relationship. A basis for friendship consists of honesty and openness. Without that, how can any true friendship exist whether Christian or non-Christian? How can the body of Christ be and do what it is supposed to if honesty and openness are sabotaged by spying and manipulation? As much as it saddens me, I must face the possibility that the relationship will no longer be feasible under such conditions. Also, I suspect that my friends will be turned against me as I wrote in the above letter, though I will not forget them and how they helped me when I so desperately needed it. One good thing is, that my joy in the Lord is not dependent on such relationships - as I had thought in the past. The spiritual abuse did set a process of maturity in motion that has made me more dependent on God directly, rather than any doctrine or other Christian. Of course it is preferable to be with others that share the same beliefs, but Christianity can also be practiced alone, if necessary. The agony, of the prospect of having to continue on alone after years of isolation that I had a year-and-a-half ago, has been healed in that respect. Even a few weeks ago, I would have been somewhat alarmed, but after prayer see the discrepancy between true joy in the Lord and the need to be surrounded by Christians for a sense of "being Christian". They have no relation to one another. I no longer feel the necessity for Christian companionship, and can be joyful in the Lord without it. At least this aspect of the Christian walk has matured in me. My friends' involvement at that church, the scratching of the old wound has not reopened it as I had feared, but shown that it has healed strongly, like a broken bone that is even more stable at that point where it broke than before. The need for Christian companionship no longer affects my feelings or motivates my actions. This will not lessen my efforts at spreading the gospel, and any personal reasons I had for doing so don't taint those efforts anymore. Spreading the gospel is no longer coupled with a search for Christian friends, though I would be happy to find some if God wills it. I am truly free now thanks to what God has done for me.
It is my sincere prayer that God sends someone to help the poor people in that congregation. I can't do it without creating waves within that denomination - it has to be someone from a sister church that looks into the matter and decides to intervene. The church in question is currently on accepted lists of Reformed churches, and some from other areas may decide to attend, not suspecting a trap. I hope that someone with the proper knowledge, authority and ability reads the article above and this addition and does something about it. Who knows, God himself may intervene in a way that I cannot imagine. A few from the denomination know at least partially what had happened to me and what may be happening at that church, but apparently they hope only for Godly intervention and are not willing to look into the problem themselves. Time will tell how God intervenes, whether by some act from outside the denomination, or from within. One must realize that he usually uses human events and human interaction to solve problems and only seldomly intervenes with the miraculous "act of God". I have done as much as I can to help them and others in like situation through what I have written, now it is time for someone else to take up the initiative. God help that congregation and especially my friends Marco, Maria and their children.
Go Back
This addition is also at the blog. I recently finished reading The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen - previously recommended to me by many others and already featured on my Spiritual Abuse page.
The book is about recognizing and escaping false spiritual authority within the Church. It explains how abusive spiritual dynamics can form in a church and how people get trapped by such a system. It has come to my knowledge that some seminaries teach methods of manipulation and that some pastors may be consciously or unconsciously employing such methods. Sometimes the system is not at fault, just a church leader or leaders or prominent members. The book reveals the true meaning of scripture verses used to manipulate people, to show that this was not intended by God. The authors reveal the difference between leadership that has true authority, based on the truth of the bible, and false spiritual leadership. They list doctrinal concepts that can trap unwitting, trusting Christians and keep them bound. The book also gives tips on how to recover from spiritual abuse.
Now we come to an important point, not only are the manipulated church members victims, but also the church leaders. Johnson's and VanVonderen's book differs from some othes of the same kind in that it has a special section for church leaders. Abusive church leaders may have been victims of the church system itself or came to somehow misinterpret what authority is about, especially in an authoritarian church system. They may be victims of the false doctrine taught to them or their own misinterpretations of scripture, others may be victims of their own sinful nature, not having dealt with personal issues before approaching the pulpit. What of a leader that has lost spiritual authority? The authors base spiritual authority on the truth of scripture itself - "rightly dividing" the Word of God and living one's life according to it. The authors assert that true authority does not come from the role of pastor at all, but that "the authority is in the truth" of scripture (p. 116). They use Galatians 1:8 as an example that Paul was trying to convey this idea, not even to listen to him if he would not speak the truth of the gospel. Even the apostles would not have had authority if they did not hold to the truth they originally spoke of which had come straight from God. If they had parted from that, then they would have lost authority, and so it is today with pastors or anyone that speaks the Truth. Some that never have been ordained may have God-given authority through the Truth that they speak. One way or the other, someone that parts from this is deceived and may need help getting back to the Truth.
The authors, both ordained, address the problems that pastors can have that may bring them off of the narrow path. One of these problems is hypocrisy, having a different set of rules for oneself as for those "under" one's authority. Under normal conditions one person may disagree with another and this is not taken as an offense, one is free to agree to disagree. But in some cases no disagreement with a pastor or what he interprets as doctrine is allowed, one may be seen as "rebellious" or "disobedient". Some pastors refuse to address any personal problems they may be having, and put on the shining Sunday suit as though nothing were wrong. As spiritual leaders they seem to have no one they can turn to for help. Of course, if there are other mature Christians in the congregation, one ought to be able to turn to them, but some are afraid to "lose face" in doing this, especially if they see non-clergy as below their level. Other leaders can help in this, in that they give an understanding ear to their colleagues without decorating the situation or automatically giving them the benefit of the doubt because of their position. A colleague can be frank and yet loving so that he can help his fellow out of a troubling situation i.e. to be closer to his Lord. If the pastor that needs help sees his congregation as below himself, that can be corrected too.
I decided to write about this because I don't want the pastor that treated me with so much callousness and harshness to be thus treated by his colleagues when he is found out or decides to seek help to overcome his problems or errant interpretation of doctrine, whatever the reason for the abuse. A few in his kind of church have been very callous to the "disobedient", far beyond the firm yet loving requirements of scripture. This can cause great depression, loss of self-esteem and self-worth, and even affect one's relationship with other Christians and others in general and even with God himself. Don't associate the sin with the person - as was done with myself (the only sin I can have committed was to make the pastor angry, disagreement with doctrine or church methods is not a sin). Be firm yet loving with pastors that get off course. Take the time to assess the damage done in their churches and, perhaps with their help, reverse the process. Watch over them and make sure that they recover fully if they are to continue in the same line of work, any other result would not be fair on the congregation members already present or anyone that wishes to join in the future.
If you help the pastor recover, chances are good that the congregation can recover too and have a healthier approach to Christian living. Teaching the congregation to discern for itself the differences between an abusive and a healthy pastor (and all of the shades of grey inbetween) would go a long way toward helping them avoid such situations in the future.
For comments specifically about this Addition of May 4th go to: this post
Go Back
Recently I went to biblical counseling and the counselor lent me the book Bold Love by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III.
The book deals with learning to discern what is in one’s own heart and at least guess at what may be going on in the hearts of others with which one has a relationship. Its aim is to help the reader learn to recognize abuse, whether it be physical, sexual or spiritual. Recognizing abuse is only the first step, though. Learning to deal with it, in this case specifically in a Christian way, is important for Christian recovery. The book does not encourage wishy-washy Christian behavior: the forgive-and-forget, sweep-it-all-under-the-rug-or-else-the-world-could-see-how-bad-some-Christians really-are mentality. On the contrary, the authors encourage boldness, to recognize evil for what it is and even blow the whistle on it - gently. This book encourages the physically and sexually abused to report such abuse to secular authorities like the police and law enforcement systems so that the abusers can suffer the legal consequences. Some churches discourage this, but doing so only shows the victims that they are not important and may even give the offenders a license to continue such abuse with others, especially if the offender is only transferred to another location, sweeping the problem under the rug rather than dealing with it.
Spiritual abuse is more subtle than more physical forms of abuse but no less damaging, and can be effectively opposed as well. Boldness to uncover such abuse requires strength, and all Christians can tap into the strength of God himself through the use of love and mercy – and consequences. Too often are we patient where patience allows more harm to be done rather than looking for a solution to problems in a relationship. Looking for the solution may require more creativity and strength, but offers hope and freedom instead of a prison-like situation that may otherwise endure for years. Offenders must suffer consequences for their actions, in most cases with warning, always done with love and respect for their souls, not out of hate or vengeance. Showing them as a victim that you recognize their sin and motives is the first step to disarming them. But there is more to it than that.
The first chapters deal with the own heart and introduce scriptural ideas which run against the grain of the legalistic and wishy-washy Christian teaching which is so prevalent today. Then one is taught to see evil for what it is and that it can and should be actively not only resisted but actively opposed and attacked. The evil is attacked, not the person.
I have just been getting through the last chapters, 9-12 where the authors explain how to deal with simpletons, fools and evil persons, as scripture calls them. Although each relationship is unique, human psychology is not, and some guidelines are offered that will help the reader decide how to act boldly in love in a problematic relationship with an abusive simpleton, fool or evil person. These tips are general enough that they can be applied to many kinds of abusive situations. The authors encourage one to prepare a strategy to combat the evil (not the person) that is invading the relationship. As in chess, a series of moves can be pre-planned depending on how the abuser responds to the victim’s bold love. Revealing someone’s motives and evil deeds may escalate the situation temporarily or even lead to an end to the relationship, but letting an abusive relationship continue unchecked is letting evil work in that relationship, which is not consistent with the kingdom of God in a Christian’s life.
Reading such material will not fail to leave a mark on the reader himself unless he is one of these blind kinds of souls, a simpleton, fool or evil person. As a reader, I can say that I did see simple and even foolish attitudes and behavior in myself, although I was the abused, not the abuser, which attitudes and behavior can now be actively blocked and eradicated.
Previously, I mentioned that I went into the spiritual abuse situation (a “new” church) with my guard down, because it was recommended to me by a friend and the denomination was well spoken of by my parents, not to mention that they found the address of that particular church on the internet. But now I see that such recommendations were no excuse for my naiveté. I would not call myself a simpleton at all times, but going into a new situation without any kind of protection or preparation was the act of a simpleton. Simpletons are naïve and may blunder into situations again and again without intuitively seeing the danger that would warn others of an unsavory situation. Sometimes they have been abused before and gotten used to it, which blinds them to further abuse. But that is no excuse in the end.
I should have been mentally awake, and at the latest seen the trouble coming as communion was refused me so abruptly. If I had been less of a simpleton at that moment, it may not have stopped the tears and hurt from coming, but I might have had the strength to leave the congregation immediately which is what I should have done to show the others in the congregation the gravity of the situation, thus better exposing the evil that was aimed at me that day. Only relatively recently, I found out that my first letter sent after the event was read publicly in the church, though one woman that I asked at the time denied this. No one had asked me to come and defend myself against any sort of accusation. At that time, since I saw no other possibility of having my story be known without the accusation of “gossip” in front of church members be thrown at me, I published all correspondence on the internet and an analysis thereof. I also defended myself, which was important to me at that time. It was not a fool’s defense, as I admitted to my shortcomings in the situation, which a fool would never have done, much less the defense of an evil person, of which I was accused of being. I would have accepted an apology from the pastor for his evil behavior, if he had offered one, which still has not taken place (my apologies were given, twice).
But reading this book, Bold Love, has added a new dimension to resolve the “relationship” if it can be called that. Until now, the pastor has not addressed me directly, but has said that I could come back through the congregation member that lives across the street and through my two friends, "Marco" and "Maria" who have since then started attending that church. I do not see this as offering the olive branch of peace, since the invitation was not direct even though the pastor has my telephone number and email address. No mention of an apology or any admittance of wrongdoing were included in the invitations. There was no move toward reconciliation. I can take the first step toward reconciliation by making direct contact with that pastor. I will not be apologizing, for I already have done that. It was not accepted. But if I love my “enemies”, I would wish for reconciliation to take place so that that pastor’s relationship to God, which must still be distorted since he has not approached me with anything like humility as should have taken place in the interim, can be restored. Even shortly after the incident, as recorded in the letters above, I was already distraught with concern for him, wondering if I had caused him to sin in a way that would ruin his relationship with God. My friends that counseled me at the time encouraged me to look only at my own heart, forgive at a distance, and let him get on with his relationship to God, if he could. But according to Bold Love that cannot take place if not everything possible has been done for reconciliation.
I am working on a plan for that as the book suggests. With bold love you can have your cake and eat it too, but you have to give it up first. Revenge becomes passion for the well-being of the soul of the other, a need for justice, but justice with mercy and love, evil turns into good. One gives up all thoughts of revenge (I had long ago) – which still does not mean to hide the evil under the pretense of not gossiping. Evil hates exposure, because it then has to be dealt with. Embarassment and guilt that leads to repentance, (not shame that is meant to hurt and damage) can occur. After long consideration, I feel that it still is justified to keep this article online. It exposes the evil, folly, and simpleton in both me and my abuser. I am not afraid of showing my heart, as Paul was ready to admit his shortcomings to the greater glory of God. Now it is time that the abuser learn from his mistakes as well. I hope he is capable of it. His lack of response is not an obstacle to my recovery anymore, my joy and peace are increasing and I no longer have a load on my back that Jesus has not taken over. The ideal would be reconciliation, but I do not need that for recovery. Reconciliation would bring satisfaction to me though, and to God as well.
I had problems with another abusive relationship in the home (which was applying unbelievable pressure on me at the time I was spiritually abused, yet was no excuse for reacting to the abuse rather than acting) to which I have applied the same scriptural logic which has freed me immensely to solve the problems in this relationship with the spiritual abuser. Now that I have gotten the plank out of my own eye I can turn to the splinter or plank in the eye of my abuser. The last thing remaining is to help the pastor that hurt me, since he is still most likely suffering under what he has done, and possibly his whole congregation with him, which now includes my friends, "Marco" and "Maria".
Of course, with all human relationships there is a great element of the unknown. The abuser may not want reconciliation. Reconciliation in this case does not mean that I will attend that church, which is what that pastor may expect as part of the reconciliation. I cannot simply trust a pastor that has treated me so badly and has not been able to admit to such evil behavior for nearly two years. That would be the behavior of a simpleton, as scripture puts it. That pastor will have a lot of soul work to do before I could trust him as a Christian brother and friend, and even more as a pastor. He may not be strong enough to look at his own heart, it was difficult for me to do this with myself. One never likes what one sees if one is looking honestly. The result of a confrontation, though respectful and loving, may be anger or further attempts to retaliate or shame me. But those things will not hurt me because I know that I will have done everything in my power to help my abuser do the right thing in God’s eyes. If he refuses the help, then the fault for a broken relationship is really and solely on his own head. At least I will be acting and not passively waiting, as with the home relationship that had gone awry. There is a time for everything under the sun, but the time for idleness and silence in this case is over. Jesus acted in bold love with the Samaritan woman and countless others, and we have to follow his example too. Whereas he was certain about what he was doing, we cannot always be that, but can pray for wisdom and guidance from God that we recognize what the right thing to do is, when such situations come up.
Do you think that this might be a crazy idea? It is no more crazy than the gospel and is supported by many things that Jesus said and did. Get the book, Bold Love, get out your bible and compare. You might be surprised right out of your socks. Ever since I have acted on the advice of my biblical counselor, supported by scripture and the ideas presented in Bold Love, I have felt at least somewhat liberated from the evil that had invaded a close home relationship. The relationship continues, but peace will come one way or another, whether the relationship must end or is completely reconciled. I am not constrained to wait passively for it to happen, but can actively do something to end the evil influence, and only the hope for peace and initial actions to obtain it have taken the weight of years of sadness from me.
Freedom and joy in Christ is possible, it is not a myth and not unreachable. It may shake your life to its foundations, but after the dust clears, the prison of evil has been eliminated and one is free to finally live in Christ and love joyfully instead of hate fearfully. It may be that life does not go on as planned, that there is less predictability in what a relationship or situation may bring, but God has a plan for all of us that is better than our own which may nevertheless require creativity and action on our part rather than remaining passive. Fishing for men is active and beneficial to the fisher and those that come to belief in Jesus Christ, just as seeking reconciliation and restoration for broken relationships is for the abused and the abuser. Not to seek reconciliation and restoration would be neglecting God's commands and neglecting to love one's enemies. To be sure, many victims will need a long time to get to the point where they can love their abusers, even at a distance, but shouldn't we all try to let God work on our own hearts so that we can eventually follow all of his commands? He has given us his all, and we must try to give ours to him, for his sake. He asks us to give up our lives so that we can live in him, this includes every part of our lives and hearts, even those parts that we hate, those that are far away from being something that we think we could even show to God, though he sees everything. We have to give up all of the ambitions that evil has used to enslave us. With nothing to lose, we can act freely against evil. We are broken, but only before God. In this brokenness he gives us his strength and courage to face the evil in our lives that comes through others. We do not need to be weak and fearful, but can, like Jesus, turn the other cheek and still be as solid as the rock that Jesus is, who is in us. Jesus' strength surprised his opponents, often to the point of converting them. He paved the way for us to love our enemies. Death and evil have no sting anymore. Sadness really turns to joy and hate to love. And we don't have to wait until we die to live in God's kingdom this way. Though still imperfect, Christians are already part of that kingdom here and now.
For comments specifically about this Addition of July 11th go to the blog at: this post
Go Back
I have come to some more conclusions about my behavior and the pastor's behavior concerning my testimony of spiritual abuse made in 2004. Concerning my behavior, it is about something that I did not consciously know at the time, but might have unconsciously. This unconscious knowledge may have already led me to research the harmful behavior, control and skewed relationships that exist in a cultic environment before I was spiritually abused. Furthermore, I think that the initial letter I wrote to the pastor was not only a cry of grief because I felt rejected by him. It might have also been a result of the loneliness and oppression I felt in a marital relationship that had already become toxic through verbal abuse. For the record I am the victim, not the abuser. When the pastor implied in his second letter (numbered 4) that I had no one, did not belong to one of God’s visible families, he was right. I really had next to no one for Christian companionship, nor even non-Christian companionship, not even my husband. My children were too small to be proper companions and I could not reasonably expect that of them. I was almost completely alone, at least as far as support from other people was concerned with the exception of the two Christian friends that encouraged and supported me after I was spiritually abused, and God was always with me. I needed Christian companionship more than anything else I thought, that was why I went to that church to find it, and that was why the rejection I experienced and felt was so great and went so deeply.
I said that my husband did not share the same faith, but I was trying to be kind with that statement, there was and is a difference between us that is more than that. I have just recently begun to realize how great the difference is after going to counseling and reading Bold Love by Allender and Longman (discussed elsewhere on the site) as well as Controlling People and The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. In Controlling People she describes, simplified of course, two possible realities, two ways of seeing relationships.
One is called Personal Power and contains the ideas of mutuality and co-creation. 1. That entails approaching other individuals as equals and with good will, even a willingness to help them. This attitude gives the person that has it a feeling of power, not because he dominates someone else, but because he empowers others. From a Christian perspective, we would be letting God’s power work through us to let others experience it and believe in God also. As a Christian one is supported by God’s strength while in relationship with him and shows others the way to an empowering relationship with him through attitude and action. Patricia Evans equates the Personal Power model to one way of approaching relationships; she calls this Reality II.
The other possible way of approaching relationships that Evans describes is called the Power Over model or Reality I. It entails the use of control and dominance as methods to feel powerful. This kind of power does not empower another, it weakens the other and makes the controller feel powerful because he dominates another. People that think in Reality I mode are abusers in one way or another. Such an attitude could not be described as Christian, though I have heard of and witnessed such people in Christian environments.
Furthermore Evans describes the persons that are often involved in abusive relationships, specifically verbally abusive relationships. She mentions that both typically have low self-esteem because both grew up in a Reality I environment, what many would call dysfunctional or abusive. The difference would be that the victim resides in Reality II with the typically low self-esteem associated with Reality I. The victim has at some point had validation of their earlier experience of abuse, a sympathetic person that showed them what they suffered was wrong and that there is a better way of approaching others than being abusive. The abuser, however, is firmly entrenched in Reality I, likely because no one showed sympathy for him or showed him that his feelings of grief and anger were justified. Such a sympathetic person would be called a “sympathetic witness.” 2.
At least I have found the explanation for why my emotions were so hefty after I was held at arm’s length. Unknowingly, I was suffering greatly under the oppression of my husband, who, mentally speaking, was in Reality I and was opposed to me even though I tried to approach him from the point of view of Reality II. It was exactly the opposite of what the pastor expressed as his thoughts in letter number 4, “If this is the attitude you have with your husband I do not marvel that “your” faith does not appeal to him!” I do admit that I have not always behaved with decorum when my husband yelled at me, put me down, even kicked me. But for many years I really did my best to console him in his depression and tried to support him when he needed it. I rarely yelled back or behaved impulsively. Unfortunately, not recognizing the real problem prevented me from taking the appropriate measures to really help my husband. And once I knew what the problem was, after I had been spiritually abused and had done research on abuse and abusers, my husband blocked all of my attempts to help him. Many, many times I forgave him and tried to minister to him (not witness to him though I did that in the past), but to no avail. The last time that I pulled myself together and meekly held out the olive branch and tried to give him the address card of a psychologist he could visit “for the sake of the children,” he threatened to kill the children. That blocked off all attempts to mend the relationship and sadly and necessarily made me think about the need to protect the children from their own father.
The spiritual abuse itself did bring some advantages. As I mentioned in another addition, it made me realize that I was not absolutely alone, that God was there and always had been. I was able to turn to him more fully and depend on him more than before. It made me thankful for the things that he had taught me already, even without a local church congregation to support me. My reaction to the abuse showed me that I had some personal issues to work on and had to curb my emotions that were getting out of my control due to the abusive situation at home. The emotions themselves were not wrong, they never were, only the way I dealt with them. I had to realize that suffering can be a channel through which God can teach something. Suffering does not equal punishment. God never punishes his children, he disciplines them. Often suffering is not even a form of discipline, it is just an unfortunate result of our having to live in a sin-tainted world. As God’s child, no matter what I may have done, I did not deserve the demeaning remarks that the pastor wrote to me, nor does anything I did justify his behavior. If he had apologized as I already had, there would have been a way to reconcile. Perhaps the situation might not have been as it was before everything happened, but the damage to myself and perhaps himself could have been lessened. If the pastor had apologized immediately for rebuking me, then I think that very much hurt could have been avoided. Even now he still could apologize for his behavior and seek reconciliation, that would give the situation a sense of closure, maybe for both of us. In a Christian relationship, even repentance and forgiveness are not the end, but only the beginning of reconciliation. Only after that is completed, I think, will God’s will have been fully done. I would like to follow his will completely, but just as I am blocked from doing anything to remedy the home relationship by my husband, I am also blocked from completing God’s will by the pastor.
Sometime last fall I did send the pastor a package containing a copy of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by Johnson and VanVonderen, to help him realize that he has been abusive. I wanted to see if he would realize what he has done to me and contact me directly in an attempt to reconcile. I had to send the book anonymously, because I promised someone to do this. She was against the idea, saying that it would probably be of no use, that the pastor would be too blind to see the truth. She was afraid that he would try to retaliate against me if I would send it openly, controlling people can sometimes react that way, you never know. Until now there has been no response. Not every relational problem can be solved as completely as God teaches, if one person is not willing to comply to what God commands in scripture.
There is another advantage that the spiritual abuse brought. Partially because of that I realized that my husband was not a friend as I had supposed, but actually against me, an enemy. I think that it might have been after I had attempted to tell him the whole story about the spiritual abuse some time after it had happened. I read him part of the letter I wrote to the pastor. I was intending to read the whole letter, but my husband continually stopped me to comment and I was never able to finish. I was showing my heart to my husband as I had not completely done as the spiritual abuse took place. His complete lack of sympathy was an obvious symptom of a large problem. A loving husband would have shown at least some sympathy even though he might not completely understand the situation. A loving husband cares for his wife and is genuinely concerned about her feelings. But my husband did what an abuser does, what the pastor did to me, and blamed me for the situation. He said that if I was that stupid to go to such a small church (for him small churches are cultic) then I deserved what happened to me! I had no emotional support or even sympathy from my own husband. That was one hard blow.
Later he had insulted me at some time and I was crying. As I looked through my tears, I saw him smiling! He was gloating over my sadness! It was then that I realized that he did not care for me as a husband should care for a wife. I realized that he had wanted to hurt me on purpose and was pleased with the fact that he had done it. He was no loving friend, but a hateful enemy disguised as a husband. This did not cause me to hate him. I still loved him (Matthew 5:43).
It was then that I made a greater effort to find a counselor and I managed to find a biblical counselor; internet friends had told me that such counseling had helped them. I was afraid that he would tell me to look only at my own behavior and correct that - then everything would fall into place. He did help me look into my own heart and start to deal with what I found there, but he also validated my feelings, telling me that my husband’s attitude toward myself was completely wrong, that he was being abusive and foolish. He recommended Bold Love by Allender and Longman and helped me come up with a plan to boldly love my husband. Bold love helps those it is directed at, and my love was to be directed at my husband to help him with his abusive behavior, aiming at the source of it, his own heart. But scripture says that foolish people are not prone to listening to good counsel, and that truth applies in this case as well. The plan was to have him go to counseling, or else I would leave him temporarily, just to show him I meant business. Bold love also requires consequences of those so loved if they do not respond. This was before the summer vacation of 2006. My husband promised to go as soon as we would get back from vacation. But when that time came, he refused to go. I wasn’t ready to just get up and leave, and I couldn’t anyway, to go home to family would mean leaving the country, and that is illegal if one has children and the other marriage partner doesn’t approve of the trip.
I searched for another counselor, thinking that my husband would not want to go to a biblical counselor because he does not believe in the bible as a legitimate source of counsel. I found one that had a doctorate degree in psychology and specialized in family counseling. It was when I tried to give my husband the doctor’s card in December 2007 that he issued the threat to kill the children, effectively blocking all attempts at a solution. Patricia Evans addresses the issue of blocking. “Blocking and diverting are other defenses by which the abuser controls the interpersonal reality. By totally avoiding the topic at hand, he avoids any exploration of the reality of his behavior.” 3.
I have been dealing with verbal abuse from my husband for about 12 years now, and recently physical abuse too. Apparently I did not have the maturity to deal with this kind of abuse and still be in control of my emotions when I felt rejected by the pastor. In my defense, I doubt that many people would be that mature. When I needed someone the most, I overreacted to rejection and thereby caused more rejection.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1.
That was the scripture verse I didn’t have in my head at the right time. But what I did was not the only cause of the problem. It stirred something in the heart of that pastor that was already there and also surfaced. He accused me of acting according to my feelings, but he did the same thing. And he does not seem to have realized this yet. I still think it is sad and unfortunate that people that have apologized for their actions get turned away from churches indefinitely, and even without due process as in Matthew 18:15-17. I think that it is sad that some pastors don’t seem to know what needs improving in themselves, that they have not reached the goal either. I also think that it is unfortunate that some churches only accept mature Christians and lack the love, mercy and humility that it takes to deal with less mature Christians. Keeping less mature Christians at bay cannot be the only answer to such problems, they should be offered help to overcome their personal problems.
"You can’t fully understand what people are thinking unless you know what they feel as well. Our feelings express our reactions to our interpretations - and we turn around and interpret our feelings as well." 4. Paul DavidTripp asserts that knowing other’s feelings in a matter is very important to finding personal problems and motives and helping that person to overcome personal problems in his book: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands: People in need of change helping people in need of change. He doesn’t discount feelings or condemn the counselee for having them. If condemning other’s feelings would be the counseling method of choice we would be condemning our Lord Jesus Christ as well, since he has feelings too.
Tripp also makes some other good points concerning counseling in general. When speaking about counseling the author does not only mean counseling situations where someone in need seeks help, but also the day-to-day encounters we have with others in need. He says that we help them, “to bring the transforming grace of Christ to people as they really are in the midst of what they are really facing.” When someone says that they want or need something, if they feel certain emotions, especially strong emotions about something, the author tries to ask them certain pertinent questions that will help him and them see the truth behind the situation so that he can better help them. “Because I love God, I want to handle his truth with accuracy, clarity, and specificity. I want to build bridges of understanding from the wisdom of the Word to the details of people’s lives. And because I love people, I will not be satisfied with lobbing grenades of general truth at them. Rather, through good questions, committed listening, and careful interpretation, I will enter their world with the understanding necessary to bring Christ’s help to where it is really needed.” 5.
The pastor made just the mistake that the author cautions against, “lobbing grenades of general truth.” The author mentions that one must ask the right questions, that intense listening is needed, and that a careful interpretation of the situation must follow. He wants to handle God’s word as a surgical instrument, not a weapon. One heals, the other injures. Admittedly I failed in these things during the incident, but so also did the pastor, someone who was trained, or should have been trained, to function as counselor. Especially a humble pastor must be able to admit his faults quickly, apologize, and get on with what he was trained for. He doesn’t have a simple job, but a vocation. But this pastor, even after a few days to think of what had happened, even after he sent me the scathing second letter, still was not able to admit that he could have made a mistake and reach out to me and ask the appropriate questions, listen to the answers, and then carefully interpret the results.
If he had entered my world instead of insisting that I enter his world that condemned my emotions and would have caused me to not be true to myself or God, or the truth, I might have had an ally to help me realize that I was living in an abusive relationship sooner, and could have remedied the home situation sooner. It would never have come to the physical abuse that I and my daughter have suffered. The emotional scars on myself and my children, though already grave, would have been less than they are now. That pastor could have been an even greater instrument of God than he has been, one that consciously helped instead of harmed, and much damage could have been avoided. I think that only a minimum of good has come of the incident, but the good could have been maximized if we, and especially the pastor, had acted with more understanding. I have missed a blessing, but I think that the pastor has missed much more given his position and the fact that he has not lived up to his potential for maximizing the good he could have done. I have desperately needed support while in this domestically abusive relationship, and have gotten it from nearly everyone else, my family, my counselor, my doctor, my lawyer, a local priest, the ladies in a bible-study I sometimes attend, people praying in my parent's church, the prayers of the pastor and his wife of a local church I sometimes attend, friends in a Catholic movement, neighbors, internet friends, people I hardly know, even total strangers.
I praise God for the help that he has provided me with, and am in the process of learning that God is my joy, yet I still cry out with grief for the ill treatment I have received, both from my husband and from that pastor. The ugly memory of what happened, of the loneliness and rejection I felt and experienced will always remain with me until God wipes our tears away.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:1-4.
I am now looking forward to a solution for the domestic abuse situation and even farther forward to the day when this order of sin, suffering and sadness has passed away forever.
Notes:
1. Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Avon, MA., USA: Adams Media, 1996, p. 29.
2. Ibid., p. 170.
3. Ibid., p. 177.
4. Tripp, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in need of change helping people in need of change. Phillipsburg, NJ, USA: P&R Publishing, 2002, p. 196.
5. Ibid., p. 197.
For more about verbal abuse see Patricia Evans' author website, www.patriciaevans.com and the Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute website, www.verbalabuse.com.
Paul David Tripp directs Changing Hearts, Changing Lives and is a member of the faculty and counseling staff at the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation, Glenside, Pennsylvania. He also is a faculty member at Westminister Theological Seminary. Read more about Paul David Tripp M. Div., D. Min. at Faithful Reader.com.
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